Figuring it all out

Last year I discussed the concept of not having resolutions but instead using three words to focus the year on.  My words for 2009 were Reorganize, Define, and Explore.  I'm not really sure how I did with it as I spent a period of last year being depressed.  I mean really depressed.  Black hole end of the world depressed.  I tried to do many things but didn't feel like I had the energy.  I couldn't find happiness in my life.  I'm sad to admit this as I was looking forward to this time being mommy and trying to define myself but I instead found all this alone time to be daunting, scary, and well . . . lonely.  I felt trapped (especially economically) more than free.

Now my daughter is nearly 20 months and my son is about to end second grade.  I'm no longer black hole depressed as I was last fall.  As spring arrives I find myself coming more alive: digging in the garden, planting seeds, becoming more eco-focused, and wishing I had a more minimalistic (but creative) life.  I look at all the clutter in the house and wonder what I could make disappear all while accumulating more clutter.  My interests are tending to focus on other woman reinventing their lives.  I know that I need to have a more creative life than I currently have so I've been exploring the media of other's quests to reinvent themselves.  I loved Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert as well as her sequel Committed but was ironically disappointed that she found her happiness (in the end) in a man though I enjoyed her exploration of marriage. I am looking forward to the movie coming out with Julia Roberts.  I listen to Kimberly Wilson's pod casts almost religiously and have bought both her books.  I was actually jealous when I read on a theatre friend's blog (The Domestic Dandy) that he goes to her yoga studio.   I watched Julie and Julia this week.  I looked into buying the book but was surprised by how negative the reviews were.  I also looked into The Happiness Project which I found similar reviews.  I will probably read both of them in the future to form my own opinion.  I also have bought The Artist' Way and while I started reading it (before my depression set in last fall) I have not instituted the concepts (morning pages, artist's dates) into my daily life. 

I would love to make a declaration here on my blog that I am going follow these courageous women (and men) who have sought to reinvent their lives and write about it but I am not sure I'm ready for such a step as I m afraid to state so and disappoint (mostly myself) so I'll let it lay here that I am in the process of exploration.

Picture: View from Bike Path back of building overlooking Spring Creek

My Three Words

On New Year's day Chris Brogan discussed on his blog how he does not do New Year's Resolutions anymore but instead has three words for the year. I highly recommend his blog. It is eclectic but well written and he has made me think about what my next steps are. I came across him on Twitter about a month ago and subscribed immediately. Anyway, I know I'm over two weeks behind on this but I've truly been mulling over my three words and they came to me today while getting ready for work

Reorganize, Define, Explore:
After years of overloading myself with school, work, and parenting I've found that I need to pull back and examine my accomplishments, my history, and my future. In the last two years I've finally finished my Bachelor Degree, have gotten married, and had a baby all while working 30+ hours a week and raising my son. I've been doing so much that I've taken very little time to celebrate what I've done, where I've been, or those I love. I have boxes of paperwork in storage, empty baby books, books unread, and words unsaid.

Part of my task this year involves finding the parts of myself which I've lost or stuffed away in a box (sometimes literally). My daughter is very young and I'm not in a place where going back to school (again) or getting a full time job is logical right now. Even though my life has calmed down tremendously these last few months since I graduated I've done very little to delineate what is most important. My motto recently has been to take it day by day. The problem with that is that I am a goal setter and when the goal is to make it through the day I feel lost.

My first thought is how these words apply to my career. The truth, as all who know me well knows, is that I've always wanted to be a writer. That is where my soul lies but somehow life has always gotten in the way. I think part of my problem is that the term "writer" is in itself an ethereal thing to me. I need to define my writer's niche and explore where I'd like to see myself. Writing in one of those things I've always dabbled in but never took seriously.

These words also apply to my personal life as it is time to reorganize my priorities, define myself as a mother and wife, and explore the world through my children's eyes. My son is on the threshold of elementary school and is setting the foundation for his academic future. My daughter is just born and has yet to take her first step, say her first word, or taste the wonders this world has to offer.

I welcome you to think of the three words that you want to represent your goal for 2009 or just for what you wish to accomplish today. Now back to my piles.