I'm a mother of two, a feminist, and a wanna-be artist/writer. My first child (age 8) was easy but having my second (age 1) has been much harder on me emotionally. Through my recent readings I've discovered that I'm not the only only who is dazed by mommyhood. I'm currently reading Stunned by Karen Bridson and I've come to realize that I'm angry too.
My son was an unexpected surprise. I was 24, a college drop out, working as a waitress, and got "knocked up" by a guy I was working with. Yes it was a bad situation but I took it on. The dad stayed in the picture (cause he IS a good guy) but we were never really good together and seperated shortly after I went back to college when our son was three. I graduated three years later with a Bachelor of Arts. My majors were Psychology and Integrative Arts with a minor in Women's Studies. While back in school I got married to my high school sweetheart and then found out I was pregnant a few months after we got married. So yes, life was insane for a while. I literally received my diploma one month before my daughter was born and "choose" not to pursue either graduate school or a job right away because I wanted to focus on my daughter.
Now I wonder if I made this choice or if "my conditon" made the choice for me. Now I'm ready to rejoin the real world and I've discovered that it is not so easy the second time around. I have retained the part time job I've had since 2003 as a Domestic Violence Counselor (I was full time for 14 months) and applied for a full time job at that location that would have been perfect for me. It came down to me and another in-house candidate. She got the job and I got depressed.
With the cost of daycare and the need for a flexible schedule I have realized that going back to work isn't as simple as just dropping my resume off and having an interview. I am 32 and have a multitude of responsibilities that an employer won't care about. I also need to be making a certain payscale to offset the cost of paying others to watch my children. On the other side of the coin I currently am not getting anywhere by working one overnight shift a week at my current job and increasing hours is not an option. I need to bring in more money as my personal debt from going back to school is being maintained but not depreciating.
I'm frustrated as it seems these are my concerns and issues as a mother and a woman but our society isn't seeing the benefits that having someone like myself can provide. I am a hard worker and dedicated employee but I don't even know where to start with this job search especially in the current economic climate.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Muse
I see my muse as a young woman with really long dirty blonde/reddish hair, a long brown ruffled muslin skirt, black thigh high boots, white embroidered peasant blouse, and a purple velvet witches hat. Her familer is, of course, a black cat.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
An end of summer day at the park
We have been trying to make it to the park since we returned from our vacation last week but something always came up. Mostly we were just running around a lot and were just too worn out. Today though we went after Ashton was done with his "summer school". My goal was to get him back on his bike. His goal was to go play in the water. We both won!! He actually got on and rode (shakily) without training wheels. It has been a long road (no pun intended) to get to the point but it is time for him to learn. Even if I feel mean pushing him.
Anyway I digress, while at the park we found this nice "man-made" path through the water for the kids. There were a number of them there having a blast and it was truly beautiful to look at.
I hope your end of summer days are as pleasant as mine and that you are finding surprises around every turn.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Mowgly
We have a new member to our household. He weighs less than 2 lbs according to his paperwork and so far doesn't have a name but his folder says Mowgly which is what we have been calling him. My husband says it is the name of the family he came from. He is a rescue cat from Wild Side Pets which means he has been vet checked previously and comes with one vet visit.I wish I could get a more crisp picture of him but he won't stop moving. He keeps running up and down the stairs, and back and forth between the living room and kitchen.
We lost him for a bit last night and I was a little concerned as he hadn't even been home for two hours but we found him sleeping on the subwoofer under the endtable. I found him there again when we went to bed. He woke the hubby up at 6 a.m. with his crying. Hubby then went downstairs and played with him until they curled up to go back to sleep.
Ashton is having lots of fun with him and very concerned where the kitty is at all times. They played for a bit this morning until he had to start doing his summer school stuff. Now he is very distracted by kitty.
At first I was unsure about getting another black cat as I couldn't imagine having one after Pandor departed us. He was such a big part of my life for sixteen years but he has been gone for over a year so it was time to get a new friend. There was another set of kittens at the store which were a month older (which meant that they were bigger too) and were gray with very distinct stripes. One had white paws and was the one Scott and I liked but Ashton really liked this one so we relented and got a black cat. Luckily he has already blended right in. Everyone has taken to him except Morris who won't leave our bedroom and looks quite perplexed at this recent housemate. I'm sure there will be lots of adventures to come.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Uploaded - 4\3\09
Friday, February 13, 2009
25 Things
On Facebook right now there is this fad of listing 25 things about yourself. I decided to post mine to my blog also.
1. I am not domesticly minded. I do not enjoy cleaning but I can't stand dirt and being disorganized even more so I do enough cleaning to keep myself sane.
2. I am a very organized person in part due to #1. I once told my supervisor that I am organized because it allows me to be creative. When my space is in a state of choas, as it currently is, I feel out of control which makes it impossible for me to create because I get frustrated easily since I can't find what I'm looking for.
3. I am a feminist, have been all my life, and always will be. When I was in 6th grade I told a boy in my class that he was a schovenistic pig because he said that women shouldn't have the right to vote. My teacher fell off the desk laughing (literally fell backwards and flipped over the desk).
4. I was a Women's Studies minor in college and plan to structure future education around the topic.
5. I work for a feminist organization and have for several years.
6. I love the idea of my job. This does not mean that I love my job. I am 50/50 about it most days but I like knowing the world is a little safer by my sacrifice of spending a little time away from my family. The money is nice but really I get paid a pittance. I'd like to say that I'm a good counselor but only my clients could tell you that. I do feel though that helping a woman, child, volunteer, or fellow staff member is quite rewarding. I feel valued here which is something I never felt before in any other job.
7. I waitressed for 7 years. I think it is an experience everyone should have in their 20s as it gives a new perspective on life but I'm glad it is over as people can be REALLY rude.
8. I finished my bachelors degree at 31. This was not the plan but life took over. I have mixed feelings about my degree. I'm proud of my accomplishment and glad I did it but the debt I've incured makes me wonder if it was financially worth it.
9. On the flip side of 8 is that I love being in school and plan to go on hopefully receiving my Doctorate one day.
10. I've been both a Teacher's Assistant and a Research Assistant and really enjoyed both experiences.
11. I enjoy writing. I would like to be a writer one day. I have 56 pages of my first novel wriiten but it is choppy and far from done. I was published once in high school but that was lifetimes ago.
12. My top professors/lecturers/grad students are the ones who taught me something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. They are Caren Bloom (have passion for what you teach and people will listen), Charles Dumas (every time you write you are telling one person's story), Dora McQuaid (use your life experiences to propell you and you will find your voice), and Maggie Thomas (be clear, concise, and organized in your teaching - and have fun while doing it). I also had two English professors who could be added to that list but I don't remember their names: Eng 215 (show don't tell) & Eng 202 (reminded me how rewarding writing came be for me).
13. I miss doing theatre and hope to one day return to it. I do believe that I was called to Stage Management and am sad that I walked away when I did. I sometime wish I'd completed the theatre degree I started at age 18 but I know that I wouldn't be where I am now both professionally and personally (with 2 beautiful children and a wonderful husband).
14. My favorite part of theatre is seeing that a-ha moment when someone really gets where they need to be. Watching actors/artists/musicians work amazes me. This may be why I was drawn to psychology.
15. If I were to continue on in Psychology I would probably pursue a degree in Positive Psychology because I dislike how psychology seems to focus on the negatives in people's lives.
16. I have a green thumb. Plants seem to thrive under my care. The few that haven't made it were mostly through unconscious neglect. I knew better than to do ... but I didn't make the effort otherwise.
17. I enjoy music a lot but I'm not talented in it. I can-not play an instrument or sing. Anyone who has ever heard me try will probably agree. I tried to be a sound engineer for awhile for I couldn't hear what I needed to hear. Then I got pregnant and well it didn't make sense to continue on.
18. I inherited my (almost) step-father's 1976 corvette when he died 5+ years ago. It needs new brakes, some interior work, and has paint issues but I love to sit in it as it reminds me of my early childhood.
19. I am not close to either of my parents. It is a long story. On that same note, I have a half sister whom I only met once when she was five and I was 15. Once again a long story.
20. I never planned/wanted to be married or have children when I was growing up. Those who know this find it quite amusing that I've become so "domesticated".
21. I planned my wedding in two weeks partly due to #19 & #20. It went well considering. I did not have time to get emotionally attached to any part of it. I was suprised by my dark brown wedding cake-which was amazing. (I highly recommend Wegmans). My extended family is still in shock by the whole experience as they bring it up often with remarks such as "since you didn't have a shower" or "she even had flowers". No I was not with child at that time. We were engaged for over a year and never got around to planning it.
22. When I was in my early teens my grandfather told me that he wanted to give me away on my wedding day. I told him that he better live a long time as I didn't plan to get married any time soon (or at that point ever). He did.
23. I play my son's Webkinz world game a lot and actually am doing it while writing this list.
24. Names: Names are an issue with me. My Grandmother is Kristina. My Great-Aunt is Anna. My mother is Christine Anne. I am Christine Anna. It continues with Paul - as my Grandfather and Uncle are both Paul and my Aunt is Paulette. I find this quite odd so when I was pregnant with my son I swore I wouldn't follow the tradition. Ironically my husband's nephew and my son share the same name (Alexander). It is my son's middle and my nephew-in laws first so when I yell Aston Alexander they both stop. I did break the rule as my daughter's middle name is Zuzanne after my Great-Grandmother who is still alive. I figure she lived long enough to see her Great-Great-Granddaughter be born so it just seemed right. My Bubicka cries tears of joy often over this and blessed me in Slovak for doing this.
25. I do not speak Slovak which my extended family forgets often. I do not speak any other language well. This goes along with the music concept. Language/music/math all use the same part of the brain. Mine is apparently disfunctional.
1. I am not domesticly minded. I do not enjoy cleaning but I can't stand dirt and being disorganized even more so I do enough cleaning to keep myself sane.
2. I am a very organized person in part due to #1. I once told my supervisor that I am organized because it allows me to be creative. When my space is in a state of choas, as it currently is, I feel out of control which makes it impossible for me to create because I get frustrated easily since I can't find what I'm looking for.
3. I am a feminist, have been all my life, and always will be. When I was in 6th grade I told a boy in my class that he was a schovenistic pig because he said that women shouldn't have the right to vote. My teacher fell off the desk laughing (literally fell backwards and flipped over the desk).
4. I was a Women's Studies minor in college and plan to structure future education around the topic.
5. I work for a feminist organization and have for several years.
6. I love the idea of my job. This does not mean that I love my job. I am 50/50 about it most days but I like knowing the world is a little safer by my sacrifice of spending a little time away from my family. The money is nice but really I get paid a pittance. I'd like to say that I'm a good counselor but only my clients could tell you that. I do feel though that helping a woman, child, volunteer, or fellow staff member is quite rewarding. I feel valued here which is something I never felt before in any other job.
7. I waitressed for 7 years. I think it is an experience everyone should have in their 20s as it gives a new perspective on life but I'm glad it is over as people can be REALLY rude.
8. I finished my bachelors degree at 31. This was not the plan but life took over. I have mixed feelings about my degree. I'm proud of my accomplishment and glad I did it but the debt I've incured makes me wonder if it was financially worth it.
9. On the flip side of 8 is that I love being in school and plan to go on hopefully receiving my Doctorate one day.
10. I've been both a Teacher's Assistant and a Research Assistant and really enjoyed both experiences.
11. I enjoy writing. I would like to be a writer one day. I have 56 pages of my first novel wriiten but it is choppy and far from done. I was published once in high school but that was lifetimes ago.
12. My top professors/lecturers/grad students are the ones who taught me something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. They are Caren Bloom (have passion for what you teach and people will listen), Charles Dumas (every time you write you are telling one person's story), Dora McQuaid (use your life experiences to propell you and you will find your voice), and Maggie Thomas (be clear, concise, and organized in your teaching - and have fun while doing it). I also had two English professors who could be added to that list but I don't remember their names: Eng 215 (show don't tell) & Eng 202 (reminded me how rewarding writing came be for me).
13. I miss doing theatre and hope to one day return to it. I do believe that I was called to Stage Management and am sad that I walked away when I did. I sometime wish I'd completed the theatre degree I started at age 18 but I know that I wouldn't be where I am now both professionally and personally (with 2 beautiful children and a wonderful husband).
14. My favorite part of theatre is seeing that a-ha moment when someone really gets where they need to be. Watching actors/artists/musicians work amazes me. This may be why I was drawn to psychology.
15. If I were to continue on in Psychology I would probably pursue a degree in Positive Psychology because I dislike how psychology seems to focus on the negatives in people's lives.
16. I have a green thumb. Plants seem to thrive under my care. The few that haven't made it were mostly through unconscious neglect. I knew better than to do ... but I didn't make the effort otherwise.
17. I enjoy music a lot but I'm not talented in it. I can-not play an instrument or sing. Anyone who has ever heard me try will probably agree. I tried to be a sound engineer for awhile for I couldn't hear what I needed to hear. Then I got pregnant and well it didn't make sense to continue on.
18. I inherited my (almost) step-father's 1976 corvette when he died 5+ years ago. It needs new brakes, some interior work, and has paint issues but I love to sit in it as it reminds me of my early childhood.
19. I am not close to either of my parents. It is a long story. On that same note, I have a half sister whom I only met once when she was five and I was 15. Once again a long story.
20. I never planned/wanted to be married or have children when I was growing up. Those who know this find it quite amusing that I've become so "domesticated".
21. I planned my wedding in two weeks partly due to #19 & #20. It went well considering. I did not have time to get emotionally attached to any part of it. I was suprised by my dark brown wedding cake-which was amazing. (I highly recommend Wegmans). My extended family is still in shock by the whole experience as they bring it up often with remarks such as "since you didn't have a shower" or "she even had flowers". No I was not with child at that time. We were engaged for over a year and never got around to planning it.
22. When I was in my early teens my grandfather told me that he wanted to give me away on my wedding day. I told him that he better live a long time as I didn't plan to get married any time soon (or at that point ever). He did.
23. I play my son's Webkinz world game a lot and actually am doing it while writing this list.
24. Names: Names are an issue with me. My Grandmother is Kristina. My Great-Aunt is Anna. My mother is Christine Anne. I am Christine Anna. It continues with Paul - as my Grandfather and Uncle are both Paul and my Aunt is Paulette. I find this quite odd so when I was pregnant with my son I swore I wouldn't follow the tradition. Ironically my husband's nephew and my son share the same name (Alexander). It is my son's middle and my nephew-in laws first so when I yell Aston Alexander they both stop. I did break the rule as my daughter's middle name is Zuzanne after my Great-Grandmother who is still alive. I figure she lived long enough to see her Great-Great-Granddaughter be born so it just seemed right. My Bubicka cries tears of joy often over this and blessed me in Slovak for doing this.
25. I do not speak Slovak which my extended family forgets often. I do not speak any other language well. This goes along with the music concept. Language/music/math all use the same part of the brain. Mine is apparently disfunctional.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Googling Myself
I must admit that I am an internet junkie. I love to look through the sites. I read news online. I Facebook and MySpace. I bank and pay bills online. And I google out of boredom. (Now when I say boredom I do not mean I have nothing to do -- as I always have stuff to do. I mean intellectual boredom.) So I googled my user name today to see what would come up. I do this periodically. I google myself. I google my friends. I google my parents (which is ironic as I don't speak to either of them). I'd never googled my username before though. I found many things I expected but I also found a post I had written on in January of 2004 about creativity and mothering.
I have to agree whole heartedly with **********. My little one is now two and I'm still fighting to be creative. Most of the fighting has been for time and a quiet mind.
But I have said since he was born that my son is the coolest thing I've ever done and I think I'll always feel that way. Now that he's getting older I'm finding him to be my best muse. As we work on our letters, numbers, new words every day, and our special drawing times I've found the freedom of childhood and it is inspiring me to be free with my own creativity. He has reminded me not to follow the rules. Relax and enjoy being a mother.
Your little one is only three months old. You will never never have time like this again.
The irony is that I feel like I was talking to myself 5 years later. This past friday I was depressed. Like spiraling black hole, staring blankly at the TV depressed.
Let me give you some back story. One year ago I was running on high octane fuel. I was just married and about to finally graduate college with a 3.6+ GPA. I was president of Adult Learners of Penn State, Secretary for PSU's chapter of Mortar Board, and on the Cabinet of Student Leaders. I had been a Research Assistant for two Associate Professors and a Teacher's Assistant for a Lecturer. I was also a valuable employee at a job where I started training in September of 2002. I was on the fast track to Graduate School or a good full-time job. I had yet to decide which I planned to pursue and knowing me it would be both (at once). One year later: I'm done with school, not involved with anything, working part-time at my job, and spending most of my day hanging with my children. My son is getting involved with a ton of activities which he's never done before but my socialization is monthly LeLeche meetings, weekly Pilates class, and daily Facebook. I really look forward to the monthly staff meetings at work. I spend hours adding old cds to iTunes. Occassionally I meet up with friends but with their spouses, children, and jobs they are too busy to not make it feel like stolen time.
On friday my son was practically begging for my attention and it took me awhile to really hear what he was saying. Not just his words but their meaning. I tend to look at him as being so big but he was reminding me that he is still small and still needs his mommy. Maybe I am no longer changing his diapers or feeding him bottles, like I do with his sister, but sometimes being there means playing a game of MarioKart. Even if I'm awful at it he doesn't care. To him the best part was hanging out with Mommy and little sister. To him the best part was having me present. To me the best part was the interaction between the two of them and the lesson that I knew five years ago but had forgotten along the crazy way, my little ones are only small once and I will never have time like this again. I can go to Graduate School or get a good full-time job at any point but ten years from now he will no longer want to hang with mommy in a finished basement while little sister pulls on his pants to get his attention. I guess my children are still my best muses and my best teachers.
I have to agree whole heartedly with **********. My little one is now two and I'm still fighting to be creative. Most of the fighting has been for time and a quiet mind.
But I have said since he was born that my son is the coolest thing I've ever done and I think I'll always feel that way. Now that he's getting older I'm finding him to be my best muse. As we work on our letters, numbers, new words every day, and our special drawing times I've found the freedom of childhood and it is inspiring me to be free with my own creativity. He has reminded me not to follow the rules. Relax and enjoy being a mother.
Your little one is only three months old. You will never never have time like this again.
The irony is that I feel like I was talking to myself 5 years later. This past friday I was depressed. Like spiraling black hole, staring blankly at the TV depressed.
Let me give you some back story. One year ago I was running on high octane fuel. I was just married and about to finally graduate college with a 3.6+ GPA. I was president of Adult Learners of Penn State, Secretary for PSU's chapter of Mortar Board, and on the Cabinet of Student Leaders. I had been a Research Assistant for two Associate Professors and a Teacher's Assistant for a Lecturer. I was also a valuable employee at a job where I started training in September of 2002. I was on the fast track to Graduate School or a good full-time job. I had yet to decide which I planned to pursue and knowing me it would be both (at once). One year later: I'm done with school, not involved with anything, working part-time at my job, and spending most of my day hanging with my children. My son is getting involved with a ton of activities which he's never done before but my socialization is monthly LeLeche meetings, weekly Pilates class, and daily Facebook. I really look forward to the monthly staff meetings at work. I spend hours adding old cds to iTunes. Occassionally I meet up with friends but with their spouses, children, and jobs they are too busy to not make it feel like stolen time.
On friday my son was practically begging for my attention and it took me awhile to really hear what he was saying. Not just his words but their meaning. I tend to look at him as being so big but he was reminding me that he is still small and still needs his mommy. Maybe I am no longer changing his diapers or feeding him bottles, like I do with his sister, but sometimes being there means playing a game of MarioKart. Even if I'm awful at it he doesn't care. To him the best part was hanging out with Mommy and little sister. To him the best part was having me present. To me the best part was the interaction between the two of them and the lesson that I knew five years ago but had forgotten along the crazy way, my little ones are only small once and I will never have time like this again. I can go to Graduate School or get a good full-time job at any point but ten years from now he will no longer want to hang with mommy in a finished basement while little sister pulls on his pants to get his attention. I guess my children are still my best muses and my best teachers.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
African Violets
Given to me in August 2006 by my supervisor when I switched back to part time. This is their second blooming in the past year and is more abundant in flowers than the first. They are a reminder of spring on a cold January day and are bringing me much joy.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
My Three Words
On New Year's day Chris Brogan discussed on his blog how he does not do New Year's Resolutions anymore but instead has three words for the year. I highly recommend his blog. It is eclectic but well written and he has made me think about what my next steps are. I came across him on Twitter about a month ago and subscribed immediately. Anyway, I know I'm over two weeks behind on this but I've truly been mulling over my three words and they came to me today while getting ready for work
Reorganize, Define, Explore:
After years of overloading myself with school, work, and parenting I've found that I need to pull back and examine my accomplishments, my history, and my future. In the last two years I've finally finished my Bachelor Degree, have gotten married, and had a baby all while working 30+ hours a week and raising my son. I've been doing so much that I've taken very little time to celebrate what I've done, where I've been, or those I love. I have boxes of paperwork in storage, empty baby books, books unread, and words unsaid.
Part of my task this year involves finding the parts of myself which I've lost or stuffed away in a box (sometimes literally). My daughter is very young and I'm not in a place where going back to school (again) or getting a full time job is logical right now. Even though my life has calmed down tremendously these last few months since I graduated I've done very little to delineate what is most important. My motto recently has been to take it day by day. The problem with that is that I am a goal setter and when the goal is to make it through the day I feel lost.
My first thought is how these words apply to my career. The truth, as all who know me well knows, is that I've always wanted to be a writer. That is where my soul lies but somehow life has always gotten in the way. I think part of my problem is that the term "writer" is in itself an ethereal thing to me. I need to define my writer's niche and explore where I'd like to see myself. Writing in one of those things I've always dabbled in but never took seriously.
These words also apply to my personal life as it is time to reorganize my priorities, define myself as a mother and wife, and explore the world through my children's eyes. My son is on the threshold of elementary school and is setting the foundation for his academic future. My daughter is just born and has yet to take her first step, say her first word, or taste the wonders this world has to offer.
I welcome you to think of the three words that you want to represent your goal for 2009 or just for what you wish to accomplish today. Now back to my piles.
Reorganize, Define, Explore:
After years of overloading myself with school, work, and parenting I've found that I need to pull back and examine my accomplishments, my history, and my future. In the last two years I've finally finished my Bachelor Degree, have gotten married, and had a baby all while working 30+ hours a week and raising my son. I've been doing so much that I've taken very little time to celebrate what I've done, where I've been, or those I love. I have boxes of paperwork in storage, empty baby books, books unread, and words unsaid.
Part of my task this year involves finding the parts of myself which I've lost or stuffed away in a box (sometimes literally). My daughter is very young and I'm not in a place where going back to school (again) or getting a full time job is logical right now. Even though my life has calmed down tremendously these last few months since I graduated I've done very little to delineate what is most important. My motto recently has been to take it day by day. The problem with that is that I am a goal setter and when the goal is to make it through the day I feel lost.
My first thought is how these words apply to my career. The truth, as all who know me well knows, is that I've always wanted to be a writer. That is where my soul lies but somehow life has always gotten in the way. I think part of my problem is that the term "writer" is in itself an ethereal thing to me. I need to define my writer's niche and explore where I'd like to see myself. Writing in one of those things I've always dabbled in but never took seriously.
These words also apply to my personal life as it is time to reorganize my priorities, define myself as a mother and wife, and explore the world through my children's eyes. My son is on the threshold of elementary school and is setting the foundation for his academic future. My daughter is just born and has yet to take her first step, say her first word, or taste the wonders this world has to offer.
I welcome you to think of the three words that you want to represent your goal for 2009 or just for what you wish to accomplish today. Now back to my piles.
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