Googling Myself

I must admit that I am an internet junkie. I love to look through the sites. I read news online. I Facebook and MySpace. I bank and pay bills online. And I google out of boredom. (Now when I say boredom I do not mean I have nothing to do -- as I always have stuff to do. I mean intellectual boredom.) So I googled my user name today to see what would come up. I do this periodically. I google myself. I google my friends. I google my parents (which is ironic as I don't speak to either of them). I'd never googled my username before though. I found many things I expected but I also found a post I had written on in January of 2004 about creativity and mothering.

I have to agree whole heartedly with **********. My little one is now two and I'm still fighting to be creative. Most of the fighting has been for time and a quiet mind.

But I have said since he was born that my son is the coolest thing I've ever done and I think I'll always feel that way. Now that he's getting older I'm finding him to be my best muse. As we work on our letters, numbers, new words every day, and our special drawing times I've found the freedom of childhood and it is inspiring me to be free with my own creativity. He has reminded me not to follow the rules. Relax and enjoy being a mother.

Your little one is only three months old. You will never never have time like this again.

The irony is that I feel like I was talking to myself 5 years later. This past friday I was depressed. Like spiraling black hole, staring blankly at the TV depressed.

Let me give you some back story. One year ago I was running on high octane fuel. I was just married and about to finally graduate college with a 3.6+ GPA. I was president of Adult Learners of Penn State, Secretary for PSU's chapter of Mortar Board, and on the Cabinet of Student Leaders. I had been a Research Assistant for two Associate Professors and a Teacher's Assistant for a Lecturer. I was also a valuable employee at a job where I started training in September of 2002. I was on the fast track to Graduate School or a good full-time job. I had yet to decide which I planned to pursue and knowing me it would be both (at once). One year later: I'm done with school, not involved with anything, working part-time at my job, and spending most of my day hanging with my children. My son is getting involved with a ton of activities which he's never done before but my socialization is monthly LeLeche meetings, weekly Pilates class, and daily Facebook. I really look forward to the monthly staff meetings at work. I spend hours adding old cds to iTunes. Occassionally I meet up with friends but with their spouses, children, and jobs they are too busy to not make it feel like stolen time.

On friday my son was practically begging for my attention and it took me awhile to really hear what he was saying. Not just his words but their meaning. I tend to look at him as being so big but he was reminding me that he is still small and still needs his mommy. Maybe I am no longer changing his diapers or feeding him bottles, like I do with his sister, but sometimes being there means playing a game of MarioKart. Even if I'm awful at it he doesn't care. To him the best part was hanging out with Mommy and little sister. To him the best part was having me present. To me the best part was the interaction between the two of them and the lesson that I knew five years ago but had forgotten along the crazy way, my little ones are only small once and I will never have time like this again. I can go to Graduate School or get a good full-time job at any point but ten years from now he will no longer want to hang with mommy in a finished basement while little sister pulls on his pants to get his attention. I guess my children are still my best muses and my best teachers.

African Violets

Given to me in August 2006 by my supervisor when I switched back to part time. This is their second blooming in the past year and is more abundant in flowers than the first. They are a reminder of spring on a cold January day and are bringing me much joy.

My Three Words

On New Year's day Chris Brogan discussed on his blog how he does not do New Year's Resolutions anymore but instead has three words for the year. I highly recommend his blog. It is eclectic but well written and he has made me think about what my next steps are. I came across him on Twitter about a month ago and subscribed immediately. Anyway, I know I'm over two weeks behind on this but I've truly been mulling over my three words and they came to me today while getting ready for work

Reorganize, Define, Explore:
After years of overloading myself with school, work, and parenting I've found that I need to pull back and examine my accomplishments, my history, and my future. In the last two years I've finally finished my Bachelor Degree, have gotten married, and had a baby all while working 30+ hours a week and raising my son. I've been doing so much that I've taken very little time to celebrate what I've done, where I've been, or those I love. I have boxes of paperwork in storage, empty baby books, books unread, and words unsaid.

Part of my task this year involves finding the parts of myself which I've lost or stuffed away in a box (sometimes literally). My daughter is very young and I'm not in a place where going back to school (again) or getting a full time job is logical right now. Even though my life has calmed down tremendously these last few months since I graduated I've done very little to delineate what is most important. My motto recently has been to take it day by day. The problem with that is that I am a goal setter and when the goal is to make it through the day I feel lost.

My first thought is how these words apply to my career. The truth, as all who know me well knows, is that I've always wanted to be a writer. That is where my soul lies but somehow life has always gotten in the way. I think part of my problem is that the term "writer" is in itself an ethereal thing to me. I need to define my writer's niche and explore where I'd like to see myself. Writing in one of those things I've always dabbled in but never took seriously.

These words also apply to my personal life as it is time to reorganize my priorities, define myself as a mother and wife, and explore the world through my children's eyes. My son is on the threshold of elementary school and is setting the foundation for his academic future. My daughter is just born and has yet to take her first step, say her first word, or taste the wonders this world has to offer.

I welcome you to think of the three words that you want to represent your goal for 2009 or just for what you wish to accomplish today. Now back to my piles.