Googling Myself

I must admit that I am an internet junkie. I love to look through the sites. I read news online. I Facebook and MySpace. I bank and pay bills online. And I google out of boredom. (Now when I say boredom I do not mean I have nothing to do -- as I always have stuff to do. I mean intellectual boredom.) So I googled my user name today to see what would come up. I do this periodically. I google myself. I google my friends. I google my parents (which is ironic as I don't speak to either of them). I'd never googled my username before though. I found many things I expected but I also found a post I had written on in January of 2004 about creativity and mothering.

I have to agree whole heartedly with **********. My little one is now two and I'm still fighting to be creative. Most of the fighting has been for time and a quiet mind.

But I have said since he was born that my son is the coolest thing I've ever done and I think I'll always feel that way. Now that he's getting older I'm finding him to be my best muse. As we work on our letters, numbers, new words every day, and our special drawing times I've found the freedom of childhood and it is inspiring me to be free with my own creativity. He has reminded me not to follow the rules. Relax and enjoy being a mother.

Your little one is only three months old. You will never never have time like this again.

The irony is that I feel like I was talking to myself 5 years later. This past friday I was depressed. Like spiraling black hole, staring blankly at the TV depressed.

Let me give you some back story. One year ago I was running on high octane fuel. I was just married and about to finally graduate college with a 3.6+ GPA. I was president of Adult Learners of Penn State, Secretary for PSU's chapter of Mortar Board, and on the Cabinet of Student Leaders. I had been a Research Assistant for two Associate Professors and a Teacher's Assistant for a Lecturer. I was also a valuable employee at a job where I started training in September of 2002. I was on the fast track to Graduate School or a good full-time job. I had yet to decide which I planned to pursue and knowing me it would be both (at once). One year later: I'm done with school, not involved with anything, working part-time at my job, and spending most of my day hanging with my children. My son is getting involved with a ton of activities which he's never done before but my socialization is monthly LeLeche meetings, weekly Pilates class, and daily Facebook. I really look forward to the monthly staff meetings at work. I spend hours adding old cds to iTunes. Occassionally I meet up with friends but with their spouses, children, and jobs they are too busy to not make it feel like stolen time.

On friday my son was practically begging for my attention and it took me awhile to really hear what he was saying. Not just his words but their meaning. I tend to look at him as being so big but he was reminding me that he is still small and still needs his mommy. Maybe I am no longer changing his diapers or feeding him bottles, like I do with his sister, but sometimes being there means playing a game of MarioKart. Even if I'm awful at it he doesn't care. To him the best part was hanging out with Mommy and little sister. To him the best part was having me present. To me the best part was the interaction between the two of them and the lesson that I knew five years ago but had forgotten along the crazy way, my little ones are only small once and I will never have time like this again. I can go to Graduate School or get a good full-time job at any point but ten years from now he will no longer want to hang with mommy in a finished basement while little sister pulls on his pants to get his attention. I guess my children are still my best muses and my best teachers.